THE OLYMPIAN TIMES
ODD WEATHER CAUSED BY ROGUE DRIVER
The odd weather yesterday was caused by Phaethon, son of the sun god, Helios. Phaethon wanted to drive his father's chariot. Phaethon had been insisting on driving the chariot for some time and had become extremely ill-tempered. He was throwing stones at the palace windows and pulling up flowers in the gardens, so Helios allowed him to drive the chariot yesterday. Unfortunately, the horses were very spirited and Phaethon couldn't control them. He was trying to show off for his sisters but the horses were bucking up and down. "I told him not to go! I said it was too dangerous, but he went anyway," Helios said tearfully. The chariot was dipping up and down and alternately scorching and freezing the land below. "I was, like, just working in the garden, and it just, like, started getting really cold and really hot all of a sudden," said 17-year-old Pandora, of Rome. "It was, like, really weird. Then, like, all of a sudden I, like, heard Zeus bellowing something like 'Stop that nonsense, boy!' and then the sun just, like, got hit by a thunderbolt and just, like, fell into the lake with like, this really big cloud of steam." Zeus shouted to Phaethon to stop. Phaethon, of course, had lost control of the chariot and told Zeus so, in rather strong language. Disgusted, Zeus threw a thunderbolt and killed Phaethon. The chariot plummeted into the lake, and Phaethon's sisters wept for him. For an unknown reason, Zeus changed them into poplar trees. Zeus declined to comment.